Emotional Clutter in Relationships
Emotional Clutter: Any outdated ways of being, with yourself or with other people
Emotionally Liberated: Living at your best emotional maturity level available to you that allows peace and clear air with everyone including yourself
“Just like physical things you once used but have become outdated for your current life, so do habitual relationship dynamics become outdated to who you are as a growing person.”
I grew up with parents modeling an unhappy marriage. I lived through their ugly divorce, followed by more toxic relationships. Like most of us, I learned how to be in a relationship from the adults around me in childhood and adolescence. As an adult I’ve learned that in order to attract and co-create healthy relationships, I had to ditch my conditioning and replace it with something else. If I may, I’d say it is intangible clutter-clearing.
My path of growth began as a teenager. My boyfriend’s parents had a healthy marriage - that I remember cherishing any time I could observe them, subconsciously thirsty to see live any modeling of a healthy relationship. As I got older and continued to be in relationships, I became more and more aware of what dynamics I had learned from my adolescence. As I became more self-aware, I woke up to how detrimental they could be.
Through my 20s I was drawn to self-help. I remember my sister asking me once, “Why do you read so many self-help books?” and my reply being, “Because..they’re helpful,” and we both had a laugh. It was true - the many courses I took and books I devoured proved invaluable. Because of them I share my story in what I hope are helpful blog posts and I coach people on living clutter-free, instead of repeating the same conditioning cycles of confused misery and self-sabotage - particularly in relationships. The key to self-help for me was that I didn’t just read the books or sit and listen at the courses. I went deep. I actually did the exercises (like, more than once!) and integrated the lessons, before moving on. If I didn’t do that, they would have been a waste of my time. Skimming book after book and phoning it in at course after course is an easy trap to fall into - be careful!
After about a decade of intense self-help and after coming into my own as a person whose passion is clearing clutter, I now view the relationship dynamics I ingrained from my past as intangible clutter.
By feeding my mind, I eventually could put space between myself and the dynamics in my life, behavior in me, that created a life full of internal and external conflict. That meant these intangible things weren’t me…when I began to frame this in my late 20s as clutter, I was able to see that I had the choice to let them go. As I practiced letting go of bad habits, I got to choose what partnership dynamics filled in the space. I got to choose what I say, do, and offer within partnership. With a lot of help, I got myself to a place where I had freedom - freedom to consciously keep the good conditioning and let go of the bad. Just like with physical clutter, when you let emotional clutter go, the space can then be filled with something of your conscious choosing.
For whatever reason I was called and able to do this self-healing work, I now get to enjoy incredible relationships. Instead of the dynamics I learned, individuating from my family of origin’s dynamics means I get to call the shots (non-violent communication, sharing and meetings needs, quality time, to name a few!) What once seemed impossible for me became possible. Now I choose friendships and partners who exhibit kindness, a willingness to grow, and a commitment to hear and understand each other.
Key Take-Aways:
There is such a thing as emotional clutter.
One way to begin learning how to let go (to self-heal) is to choose one self-help modality and actually do the work it requires.
An approachable starting-point to replacing your outdated habits in relationships with better ones can be to perceive them as clutter. Is it time to let it go and replace it with something better?
