Paintings, Grief, and Legacy
Key Takeaways:
Passed loved ones’ paintings often hold deep sentimental value and this should be acknowledged, respected, and honored.
Stored paintings often mean unresolved decisions and unfinished grief - in other words, clutter.
Sorting through and making choices on passed loved ones’ paintings is an act of honoring their legacy - an invaluable opportunity to come to terms with their death, their life’s work, and to honor it by giving it a new purpose.
I was recently told a story about a family whose father/grandfather passed away. He was a masterful and prolific painter. The family is struggling with what to do with all the paintings. Most are currently stored in a basement. They have donated some, displayed what there is room for in the house, and passed on some to younger family members. But there are still more incredible paintings. What should they do?
These paintings - what were once fresh and current expressions of the person, nourishing himself and others - have become clutter. Why? They’re no longer that. They’re now paintings in the basement with no clear purpose. They’re now realistically unfinished business. Furthermore, they’re unmade decisions and unprocessed feelings. The more I work with people to sort out their stuff from the past, the more unequivocally I see that if you have stuff like this, you have some decisions to make. You have some uncomfortable feelings to feel. You have some grieving to do.
On the other side of the same coin, this means the family has an opportunity to put these paintings to use as a means to grieve; something this family patriarch deserves to the fullest.
What is most likely to happen is that the paintings will stay stored somewhere. They will probably get damaged or at the least, they will age. They will not be seen or thought of much, except the nagging weight in his family members’ psyche to do something about them. They will stay there until the homeowners move or downsize, or pass on themselves. This is pretty acceptable and common in our culture, but I say it is also tragic.
This is an opportunity. There is so much more meaning and joy available. Going through the paintings one-by-one, allowing the memories, feelings, and thoughts to come up and be experienced, however uncomfortable (grieving hurts), and making decisions here and now on what’s the best possible way to honor his masterful works…that will lead to deep meaning and joy for each alive member of the family. To get philosophical, isn’t that what we’re all trying to do in the end? Create more meaning and joy for ourselves and our loved ones?
William Bridges, Ph.D, a leading expert on transitions, explains the final stage of the grief cycle that is often forgotten. Along with denial, anger, negotiating, and acceptance, a final stage is Meaning. Those paintings understandably mean so much to his family. They served a beautiful purpose when he painted them. The ones proudly displayed are also serving a purpose of honoring his legacy. But what purpose are the paintings in the basement serving now? If they want to fully come to completion with the loss of this beloved patriarch, then they will have to go beyond acceptance, and complete the final stage: meaning. They could take this opportunity to honor his legacy to the fullest.
Back to what to do with the paintings. The options all boil down to the following:
Leave them in the basement for someone else in the future to deal with.
Donate and gift them
Throw them away (Eesh I know, but this is technically an option!)
Try to sell them
I say the most exquisite thing to do is donate and gift them. Leaving them in the basement is irresponsible to their own emotional well-being and to the legacy of this father/husband/artist. Trying to sell them will take a lot of time and energy these family members probably don’t have, and from a health perspective will unnecessarily prolong the grieving process. The person who shared this story actually told me the painter loved to gift his pieces to others when he was alive. So that’s a good opportunity for the family to honor his legacy by giving them away, giving them new life - the chance to move and inspire.
You don’t have to take my word for it. Experiment for yourself. Take something of a passed loved one and honor their legacy by doing something with it other than stored away or half-hazardly sitting around. Display it with intention. Share the story behind it as you gift it to someone who loves it or will use it. Or take the opportunity to be gracious and let someone else enjoy it by donating it.
